“And Adam and Eve joined in the song of the stars and the streams and the wind in the trees, the wonderful song of love to the one who made them. Their hearts were filled with happiness. And nothing ever made them sad or lonely or sick or afraid.”

By this time our attention fixed like predators on prey. And my eyes in collusion with my heart almost caused the embarrassment of me losing it completely in front of my kids.

Maybe it’s because I don’t feel well. Maybe it was the moment, sitting there in solemn silence with those two holy persons so close I could smell the shampoo in their hair and feel the softness of their pajamas.

Or maybe I’m tired. And this sounded like the vacation we all hope for but never really materializes. The dream of so much good invading our senses the bad is crowded out.

Just imagining such a time is incredible and also painful. Sure, I’ve thought about it before but sometimes, like last night, boom, it lands on me in a way I can almost taste. So the heart aches. Because it is not really within reach. And so we gotta look forward.

But I kept looking back.

No colds, for me or my family.
No worries about the future.
No worries about now.
The bills.
The needs.
No wondering if my kids will turn out alright.
No taking dessert away from kids.
No not being able to afford it.
No broken sinks.
Or cars.
Or bones
Lives.

All the hurt was unknown for Adam and Eve. My wife and I think a Hampton Inn is the lap of luxury. Can you imagine having the world to yourself and no pain or sickness or hunger or jealousy or frustration or futility in work or sadness or cancer or loss or death?

This is not to say my life is hard – though every life has some hard, jagged edges. But sometimes the difficulties are in technicolor brilliance and the good stuff is playing on a crappy black and white TV with 3 channels.

And I know I’m looking back at what was and I need to look forward at will be. I assume it will be better. That’s pretty hard to believe though. I’d just be happy with Eden at this point.

In case you have not yet heard about the interview Mark Driscoll did over in Britain – wait, are you sitting down? – he needlessly offends a number of people, namely all the not-famous pastors throughout the UK. Especially the old ones who wear clerical robes.

If you want to read up on it, go here, here and here.

Following are 10 thoughts on all of this.

1. This is getting very predictable. About every six months, Driscoll says something ridiculous, gets a lot of attention, blames others, does not apologize and no one within his own tribe ever calls him on it. You see, only if he uses really bad language is anyone going to call him on it publicly. Because the fruit of the Spirit is clean language.

2. The celebrity pastor. Driscoll sees the presence of the Spirit in the life of a church through the singular phenomenon of young, well-known male preachers. In other words we are no longer discussing the celebrity pastor as an underlying issue which we need to careful of. It is now the clear standard by which we measure faithfulness and success in ministry.

3. The missional problem. Obviously as long as you are missional (whatever that means), you can be insulting. You can go too far and justify your actions by your works as a pastor. You can be unkind but it’s OK because you have a big church with a lot of conversions.

4. Actually. I would love to live in a culture where there were no famous young pastors. Just faithful ones.

5. “But you used to love Driscoll.” I also used to need a diaper.  Both have a lot of crap in common. And I grew out of both in just a few years.

6. I am not a liberal in my theology. I’m very conservative in my theology. But I am also broad in my desire for unity. I’m getting to the point where I would rather be associated with some of the more liberal theologians than guys like Driscoll who bully and ridicule and defend themselves with their spiritual bona fides.

7. Jesus or Mesus? Go listen to the interview and you will wonder. Or not.

8. Was the interview combative? Nope. But what if it was? Shouldn’t that be OK? Or should Driscoll assume all interviewers agree with him. He could have easily just said, “Hey, you are going to disagree with me on this but here is what I believe…” But he didn’t. He called the interviewer annoying. That was before he insulted the interviewer’s wife.

9. Jonathan Edwards was a sissy. I mean, he wore one of those “dresses” too. Didn’t he? As well as Calvin. And all the reformers. Too bad they didn’t live in a  culture where it was acceptably masculine to wear a Mickey Mouse shirt.

10. The great problem. The great problem for the church is not that we aren’t sufficiently missions-oriented or don’t evangelize enough. It seems if that should be our focus Paul would have said something about our need for it. But he did say a lot about love and kindness and patience and peace and unity. The only reason this will not be a big deal to many people is because we don’t care about what Paul cared about. We would rather correct people than be kind to them. And it will continue.

Back when the earnest of writing was at an apex following the contract I signed and then mailed back to a publisher, I started looking for books on writing. To learn the craft of writing a book, yes, but mainly for some sanity.

I thought there was really something wrong with my mind. My emotions were everywhere. At once wanting to tell everyone and no one at all. Hope and despair cavorted with animal abandon.

And then out of nowhere I wanted to fade into obscurity. And have no one read anything. Or know me. And then excitement would come back stumbling in like a prodigal son – with a humble desire to have some measure of being read…of contributing to the vast edifice of good writing, whose shadow I’ve taken sanctuary in.

There was a hint of Junior High.

Back to the books, though. There are a lot of them. And some have been helpful. And while my skills needed honing, the heart and mind – the reservoir from which the words spring – needed counsel.

A friend, whose a much better writer, recommended Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird. This was six months ago. That very night I spent more than an hour rifling through the language arts section of the local used bookstore. Ironically, nothing is in any kind of order in the Language Arts section.

I want you to stop and think about that for a second.

At least once a month for six months I’d cover my fingers with the dust of unwanted books looking for Lamott’s book on writing. Buying new books had become taboo since this store opened and I couldn’t afford them anyway. So I’d take my unwanted volumes down in hopes of getting some credit to buy more books. And for six months I’d start by looking in the chaos of the Language Arts section.

To make it all the more difficult, the hipsters running the place would peer into the screen of the computer dating back to the Carter administration and tell me it was on the shelf in the back hole of the Language Arts Section.

But I could never find it. For six months.

Finally, a little more than a week ago, it was there. I looked around wondering if this was some nerdy version of Punk’d. Surely this wasn’t it. It was. And just in time because someone I respect had recently recommended it very highly. I would have been very frustrated to not find it once again.

But I did find what I was looking for. And after only a few minutes of looking through the section of the store most like that warehouse in the last scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Bethany and I were on a date. The kids were at the grandparents for the night. So knowing it would only be my own bladder to distract and not those of my offspring, I settled into a chair.

Only five pages were needed of sitting in that chair and digging into this book to confirm, this was the book I think I just might need.

And it was. I was not crazy. All the conflicting positions, emotions and convictions when thinking about writing and publishing and being a person in the midst of it all were sitting on the page in front of me. My soul was laid out in font.

Sure, there’s great advice. But more importantly is Lamott’s own ego and despair and self-hatred and doubt and jealousy and hope and faith and joy. And all was mixed together like some ridiculous stew no one would choose to digest.

But you do when you write. No one had told me till now. I thought I was teetering on the edge of crazy with no way to explain to anyone for fear they would quickly need to catch a bus. I was not crazy, or at least not in an inordinate way. With each turn of the page a brilliant sky of possibility opened up to gaze in. Now I might look crazy to some when looking up into that firmament. But, I knew I wasn’t the only one.

And that’s the sanity I’d been searching for, for six months.

1. In 3rd grade I hid my report cards from my parents. My daughter makes A/B honor roll. At least I gave her the inability to pay attention.

2. I’ve been fighting a cold for 3 weeks but I will not yield.

3. I just feel asleep in my chair after that last thought.

4. All this talk in the church about the need to talk bluntly about sex assumes we should be talking about it a lot.

5. I wonder if Adam ever said, “Eve, you’re the only girl for me.”

6. So, are people still like occupying and stuff?

7. For some reason the people I work with at the bank think I know how to count and do math and things of that sort.

8. A libertarian politician is one who thinks no one should tell you what to do except them.

9. I’m afraid I’m losing my kids. They seem to be just as happy with sausage as with bacon.

10. Finally, we are going to get some cold weather down here. Now I can build a fire, get all cozy on the couch and tell everyone on Facebook about it.

I didn’t download a whole lot of new music in 2011. Most of what I bought was recorded and released before that snow storm of which I was a product. But I did download some really, really great albums. The following are my favorites regardless of when they were actually released. Feel free to list any surprising favorites in the comments.

1. Adele – 21. The first time I sat down and listened to this one I knew it would be the album of 2011. No question about it being my favorite album of the year. We’ve listened to this one so much, the whole family knows it by heart. Highlight? Every freaking note.

2. Take It Satch! – Louis Armstrong. I bought it for about 4 bucks at a used bookstore and I’ve listened to it constantly. I cannot get enough of Basin Street Blues. Not listening to Louis Armstrong should get you a fine from the awesome police.

3. Billie Holiday with Lester Young. There is no voice greater than Lady Day’s. Pair it with the epic skills of the Prez and you have so much goodness.

4. The Civil Wars – Barton Hollow. It’s weird I cannot listen to this album over and over. But I go through periods where I need to hear it. Two voices. Two instruments. Gorgeously Zen. Highlight? Poison and Wine.

5. The Decemberists – The King is Dead. This is my one hipster album to keep all you cool kids reading. Singular lyrics full of poetry in the truest sense of the word. Highlight? All Arise.

6. Paul McCartney – Band on the Run. I already knew a good bit of the tunage on this one but I never bought the album. Just great pop music from the greatest melody maker ever.

7. The Wailin’ Jennys – Firecracker. All their albums were downloaded by your favorite blogger. But this is my favorite. Sometimes you need to listen to beautiful music. This is about as beautiful as it gets. Highlight? Glory Bound.

8. Miles Davis – Kind of Blue. I actually have owned this album for years. But I lost it in a hard drive crash. So I did buy it again this year. Is that cheating?

9. Alison Krauss and Union Station – Live. I’ve wanted this one for a long time but just never pulled the trigger. After watching the DVD version, I had to have it. The only thing I don’t like about this album is how long I waited to purchase it.

10. Taylor Swift – Speak Now. (handing over man-card) I’m going to really get made fun of for this one. But I have to tell the truth, I love her music. We don’t even have all the songs of the album but I think she’s crazy talented enough and this album has enough singles to list it. Highlight? Back to December.

(This is a follow-up to last week’s post on forgiveness.)

Sometimes when you lift the rocks lying with all their weight upon the dampened earth of your soul, unwanted creatures are found living there.  The light of day makes them scurry but just knowing they were there makes you want to jump out of your skin. Emotions which slither, scuttle when disturbed. The fresh air disturbs the moist, dank place which had been left alone for a rather long while. I almost always wait for all those nasty things to evacuate the premises and then I work to put the rock back just as it was, so I can walk away.

Often the rock is your stone-cold heart. And the cold is due to the need for forgiveness. You can feel the coldness in your hands. It’s heavy and cold. What’s sad is how good the coldness feels in your hands so hot with anger and vengeance.

The moment after I decided I wanted to take a step on the path of forgiveness, murderous thoughts sprang like up ninjas. Murderous ninjas. Seriously, here I am getting all holy and godly and wanting to forgive this jackass and then boom, I want him dead.

It’s only a little bit funny because it’s so normal. Of course no one talks about it. They are too busy talking on facebook about how they are praying for someone or quoting the most awesomest preacher ever.

Remember that scene in the first Lord of the Rings movie, when they are in the house of Elrond and Bilbo sees the Ring hanging around Frodo’s neck? I’m not sure if it’s in the book cause I haven’t read the book in a couple of years – the copy I have is huge and unwieldy. The pictures are awesome though. Anyway, Bilbo’s face contorts into some demonic form and he reaches wildly toward Frodo’s neck and the Ring. Just moments before he spoke to his nephew with tenderness and affection. And then this fierce evil takes over.

I just wish I could blame it all on some damned (literally) magical ring.

It’s this heart however, I’m stuck with. A heart, at once hoping for traction in forgiving someone and also looking to grease it’s own wheels with resentment. This is the truth – some of the time I want to forgive and move on but there’s a hell of a lot of time (literally) when I just want to put the rock back exactly as it was. I’ll replay all the old movies for catharsis, pausing for the bits where I am really, really wronged. You know how sometimes when you pick the rock up the ground moves and needs to be pushed against the edges so that cold hunk of matter will just stay put.

Maybe this is step number two.

First, you have to decide to forgive, knowing you are woefully incapable of doing it. So you ask for God’s help. He knows a little about forgiveness and so can be wildly helpful. But then after taking that step you realize you still have all this hate and a heart to match. So maybe you gotta just reckon with this dark reality as the next step – the evil that kept you from forgiving doesn’t just disappear when you step on the path of forgiving. Otherwise you start talking like Pollyanna and living out the Christian version of the Hallmark channel…which by the way looks an awful lot like the video section of the Christian bookstore. You know, framed needlepoint verses in pixels. And that would just be a step backwards.

1. My best friend of 32 years lives in Iowa and I still get it mixed up with Idaho. The state, not him. His name doesn’t sound anything like Idaho.

2. If I was going to join a cult, it might be the one called “People Who Want to Elect Ron Paul.”

3. My least favorite way to hear an article described is “thoughtful.” It says more about the person saying it than the actually article.

4. I love eating my Christmas presents.

5. Sometimes I weigh expected profit of putting kids on eBay vs. what DHR will do.

6. Spent a lot of good quality time with friends lately. No wonder I feel rich.

7. The King’s Speech is the best movie I saw last year. And it will most likely be the best movie I will see this year.

8. It is impossible to take seriously all the “the gospel is the only thing” talk from the celebrity pastors when they are consistently being controversial about things other than the gospel.

9. The most extreme position in modern American politics is thinking the belief that marriage should only be between a man and a woman is an extreme position

10. I didn’t do a random thought on bacon because I don’t want to be known as a one trick pony.

Everybody. Though it pains me to type it out, it’s true. True, like the heat of flames. True, like the missed warmth of friendship long gone.

Over the years I’ve wrestled awkwardly with resolutions, New Years and otherwise. Alternating between embracing them with passion and despising them with the same, I felt I must land somewhere and do so resolutely on the matter. I’ve tired of that. Now I just do whatever feels like needs to be done. And so I’ve made no resolutions lately.

I do not plan to alter this consistent course now. But I do need to do something this year with far more weight behind it. Actually, it may be out in front.

I need to forgive someone.

And yes, it is still all out in front of me, undone. But for the first time since the need arose, I want to pack up my emotional baggage and be off for that talked of land which I have heard so much of and yet never really seen.

My well-worn grudge has been harbored. And I’ve had no real desire to raise the anchor and set out. My claims have been staked and to budge has not been an option. But now, well, I’m of a decidedly different mind.

It was no small slight. This is not the stuff of hurt feelings. It was…is the kind of wound which leaves grooves upon the soul. It cannot kill but it can leave the interior tender.

I tell you this so you will realize why this is not merely a decision but a journey. Some will understand. You have grasped for the same words. And tugged at the hems of the same emotions.

Most talk of forgiveness is foolishness. As if we can forgive easier than God. God’s forgiveness came at the expense of his only Son. And was a plan of forgiveness stretching over thousands of years on into eternity. The forgiveness of a moment is fiction. It’s length begins with a moment but must be followed up by moments all the way to death oftentimes. Go figure.

I prefer the metaphor of steps. Each step in the direction towards the peaceful soul I’ve longed for and pine for still. I assume I’ll step toward mountains and into sloughs of despond aplenty. There’s something very Zen about steps. So simple, babies take them. They begin hard, they become easier.

He may never know of my forgiveness. And he certainly may not agree there is anything to forgive. I cannot imagine him asking. To tell him of my forgiveness would be a provocation without cause.

I’m not sure why it’s easier to begin along this path now, after no longer being a pastor. But it is, strikingly so. However, I’m afraid it will be hard. Hard like all the hardness in my heart towards him. Hard like granite layered upon steel encased in marble.

So I begin now, in the month named for Janus, the Roman God of gates and doors, beginnings and transitions. He is represented by two heads – one looking to the past and one to the future ahead. So I figure, now is as good a time as any to begin forgiving. God help us.

Not really resolutions. Goals? How about plans?

1. Read 100 books.

2. Learn my job so I can enjoy going into work.

3. Take my family to the beach.

4. Read more poetry.

5. Forgive.

6. Take my daughter on more dates.

7. Hold my book in my hands.

8. Hold my wife more.

9. Laugh.

10. Rest/Grow in grace.

1. When dieting I only eat the fruit-flavored jelly beans.

2. Most of my kid’s Christmas toys work.

3. When I try to picture Dolores Umbridge, my mind fills with the visage of Janet Napolitano.

4. Now that Christmas is over, the next day on the calendar which will be wielded to make you feel guilty about something…anything is MLK day. Then Valentines. Then Easter. Oh wait, I forgot New Years. Just watch. So terribly predictable.

5. The only thing I like about being sick is the reading while your laying around. And the bacon.

6. As soon as Christmas came the ornaments on our tree breathed a sigh of relief but could not help but feel sorry the toys knowing their future held little hope.

7. I knew I had lost my daughter when she chose to play with the Leapster over the iPad.

8. I don’t think the modern evangelical church knows how to disciple men and women in their day in and day out lives. All it knows is “quit what you are doing and be radical.”

9. If you can get drunk on queso and salsa, tonight I’m getting plastered.

10. Spent $70 worth of iTunes gift cards on a digital Springsteen box set. Part of one of the videos didn’t work. Just part of one. Apple is crediting my account for that $70 plus tax. And all I asked for was a way to fix it. That is customer service.