1. Are you supposed to miss your coworkers on the weekend? 

2. I cannot help but think that all the goodness of the Christian faith – the grace, mercy, love, hope, life –  makes more sense during the really dark times. Or if you’ve had hard times. 

3. We are going to eat at Cracker Barrel tonight as a foretaste of the Banquet at the world’s end.

4. Conservatives fear their guns being taken away. Liberals think the absence of guns will make us safe. As a follower of Jesus, I stake a ground wholly outside. Without ignoring the threats that keep each other at the other’s throat. I don’t wanna be afraid anymore. I want to fall in line with the message of the Prince of Peace whose consistent message has been to love without fear.

5. It’s been a week since I’ve had pizza so if you’ve got any…

6. I’ve been listening to Andrew Peterson a good bit over the past week. I’ve noticed something about him that may be even better than his songs. He seems spring-loaded to encourage other musicians. I know he’s gotta struggle with ego and the dark opposite echo of self-hatred. Which makes his promotion of others’ work so refreshing.

7. Listening to music any other way besides vinyl is disappointing now.

8. There is so little wisdom in newsrooms and the offices of politicians. It’s probably not even measurable.

9. You know you have hit a rare place as a reader/writer when you hang on a sentence you’ve read. And you hang there for days on end. Not simply for what it says but more for how it’s said.

10. I’ve been listening to Christmas music and the other day we were listening to the radio and we heard a Christmas song that was so generic. And then we came home and heard Amy Grant. And it struck me. The power of someone singing about that first Christmas who actually believes it and its present significance. Maybe there’s something to this Christian music thing.

I wrote the following article years ago. When I wrote it I was a pastor and it was in response to someone else’s hurt. Then we went through years of similar pain and I posted it because I needed to hear the same. And selfishly I needed to know I was not alone.

This was going to be year that I was *not* going to post it. But then I heard of another’s pain. The kind of pain that comes in spades. And you look to heaven and ask “What next?!”

So I’m posting this for an old friend. Heck, I’m always trying and struggling to believe this myself. And I can only assume there are many others who are too…

————————————————————

We are now accustomed to hearing how Christmas is difficult for many people. The story of Scrooge and his problems with the season is no longer anecdotal. It is now par for the course. Maybe this has always been the case. Maybe the joy of the season has always been a thorn in the side of those who can scarcely imagine joy.

Not too long ago, I heard from one of these people about how difficult Christmas would be because of heartbreak in their family. There was utter hopelessness and devastation. Christmas would be impossible to enjoy because of the freshness of the pain. It’s been a story hard to forget.

I get it. I mean, it makes sense. Christmas is a time when there is a lot of heavily concentrated family time. The holidays can be tense in even the best of circumstances. Maneuvering through the landmines of various personalities can be hard even if there is no cancer, divorce or an empty seat at the table. What makes it the most wonderful time of the year for one is also what makes it the most brutal time of the year for another. My own family has not been immune to this phenomenon.

But I’d like to push back against this idea a little. Gently. I think we have it all backwards. We have it sunk deep into our collective cultural consciousness that Christmas is for the happy people. You know, those with idyllic family situations enjoyed around stocking-strewn hearth dreams. Christmas is for healthy people who laugh easily and at all the right times, right? The successful and the beautiful, who live in suburban bliss, can easily enjoy the holidays. They are beaming after watching a Christmas classic curled up on the couch as a family in front of their ginormous flat-screen drinking perfectly mixed hot cocoa. We live and act as if this is who should be enjoying Christmas.

But this is so damnably backwards. Christmas – the great story of the incarnation of the Rescuer – is for everyone, especially those who need a rescue. Actually, Jesus is for only those who need a rescue. Jesus was born as a baby to know the pain and sympathize with our weaknesses. Jesus was made to be like us so that in his resurrection we can be made like him; free from the fear of death and the pain of loss. Jesus’ first recorded worshippers were not of the beautiful class. They were poor, most-likely ugly shepherds; beat down by life and labor. They had been looked down on over many a nose.

Jesus came for those who look in the mirror and see ugliness. Jesus came for daughters whose fathers never told them they were beautiful. Christmas is for those who go to “wing night” alone. Christmas is for those whose lives have been wrecked by cancer and the thought of another Christmas seems like an impossible dream. Christmas is for those who would be nothing but lonely if not for social media. Christmas is for those whose marriages have careened against the retaining wall and are threatening to flip over the edge. Christmas is for the son, whose father keeps giving him hunting gear when all he wants is art materials. Christmas is for smokers who cannot quit even in the face of a death sentence. Christmas is for whores, adulterers and porn stars who long for love in every wrong place. Christmas is for college students who are sitting in the midst of family and already cannot wait to get out for another drink. Christmas is for those who have trafficked in failed dreams. Christmas is for parents watching their children’s marriage fall into disarray. Christmas is for those who have squandered the family name and fortune – they want ‘home’ but cannot imagine a gracious reception.

Christmas is really about the gospel of grace for those who need it. Because of all that Christ has done on the cross, the manger becomes the most hopeful place in a Universe darkened with death and violence and hopelessness. So, who is Christmas for? In the irony of all ironies, Christmas is for those who will find it the hardest to enjoy.

(Art: Blue Christmas Candle from Stushie’s Art)

  
1. It has dawned on me that my desire to listen to old music on vinyl on an old phonograph has something to do with that music being made to be listened to that way.

2. I realized something hard yesterday. I’m not very good at my job yet. And a large part of my job is helping people who are not very good at their job. My attitude and bent towards ridicule of them is in opposition to my desire for others to have patience with me. That was a hard thing to see.

3. My favorite Christmas music right now is Dave Brubeck and the Vince Gueraldi Trio in case you were wondering if I’m growing old.

4. I’m never hungrier than the day after Thanksgiving. It’s like my stomach got revved up and then is expecting more than just a day of feasting. And I don’t wanna let my stomach down. We’ve been through so much together.

5. I was listening to an interview with Dave Brubeck, who is known all over the world for being one of the greatest figures in Jazz ever. What’s amazing is he could never read music. But he could compose. And improvise. My God, could he improvise. Hearing this helped me relax about my inability to grasp and use grammar rules. Here I am a published author, who gets paid to write and I have no idea what to do with quotes and colons and commas.

6. You keep talking about these politicians as if any of them can trusted.

7. My parents have been gone a while now. I haven’t reached for the phone to call them in a long time. But so much seems off kilter this time of year. My mom would want to come and see our tree every year. It was the same damn tree every year. But it was an excuse to enjoy it with us. And I miss their unmatched kindness

8. If my first thought/emotion towards anyone is fear and not a desire to love, I am out of step with the One who came to be killed by his enemies so he could save them. 

9. Some people may think it’s weird how I will listen to an artist almost exclusively for a month and then move on to someone else. I think it’s weird you do that with TV shows.

10. Sometimes I look over and see my wife sitting or lying next to me and wonder how this can be. How can I have done so poorly in other parts of my life? And yet still get to enjoy her company daily. Wonder of wonders.

  
1. I’m not sure what it is about the James Bond movies that pastors would find appealing. Maybe it’s the wanton violence. The sexy chicks? Vengeance? Probably just special effects good enough to not be bothered by all the other stuff.

2. As Christians we are called to love our enemies without qualification. Not easy. But when it comes to politics. We don’t even seem to be trying.

3. I don’t remember what it was like for rain to not be falling.

4. My wife doesn’t agree with me when I say she is universally thought of as beautiful. It’s not just me.

5. Bob Dylan’s “Time Out Of Mind” is a perfect rainy day soundtrack. Actually just a perfect soundtrack.

6. Maybe Christians are not taken seriously on many social issues because when we are threatened we cling to a weapon and not the cross alone.

7. I always hope my boss is at work. This is very different than before.

8. I’ve been reading the Gospels lately. Thinking about them a lot. You cannot escape the fact that Jesus went easy on prostitutes compared to his treatment of religious leaders who continually added rules to control their followers.

9. It’s been over a week since I’ve had pizza. This is quite a feat for me.

10. Evangelicals are hard on prosperity preachers but our pastors are very prosperous. None take the steps Rich Mullins took. They are monied. Maybe that’s okay. I don’t know anymore. 

  
1. As I organize these thoughts I’m listening to a 1964 version of The Times They Are a-Changin’ and it sounds more Christian than what you would expect. 

2. The goal is to never forget the pure crystal clear misery I experienced in my previous job. And may I deal with others who may be experiencing a similar misery without forgetting with grace and mercy.

3. A depression settled over me earlier this week and I couldn’t figure out what it was. And then I remembered baseball season was over.

4. I have been in church all my life and have never heard a sermon on non-violence towards my enemy.

5. Our local school system will be rezoning soon. They are pretending to listen to parents. But they can and will do whatever they want. And forcibly take our money through taxes making it all but impossible but for a few to choose something different.

6. Jesus was killed for the sake of God and Country.

7. Books and records while the children sleep.

8. Is it crazy for me to be uncomfortable with pastors who make significantly more than me, asking/pleading with me to give? 

9. The cold is coming. The clear nights. And  an alive-ness to the night so still you can hear the heartbeat of other lives through bare branches.

10. This past week I talked very briefly with a parent whose child was sexually abused while a part of SGM. I could hear a hopelessness for any kind of justice this side of eternity. And I ask you to remember the absolute silence of thecelebrity pastors and CJ Mahaney before you share an article by them on social media.

11. My wife’s smile has healing powers.

  
1. This morning after my run I looked up. While everyone slept, the sky was on fire. I stopped and stared and the few passing cars stared at me. The clouds were an upside down lava-field. The mountains in the distance could only hope they were spared. 

2. I could look at my coming birthday as growing a year older or an opportunity to get more records.

3. I think kids should study Dylan in school. Not studying him is myopic and a confusion of how culture is shaped. 

4. My fear is the guy on that album is not a worship leader. Because it’s not worship. He’s not a leader. It’s entertainment and that’s a concert with highly emotive and forgettable music.

5. Looking forward to not raking my leaves because the wind will just blow them into my neighbors’ yards anyway.

6. I don’t miss going to the ballpark on Friday nights for practice. People said I would. But they don’t understand my love for my home.

7. Baseball season is almost over. Which is stupid.

8. I’m not saying the fact that vinyl records are the same shape as a pizza is irrelevant.

9. Your pet is not your child.

10. Starting in a few days I’ll be publishing posts to this blog on vinyl albums I’ve bought this year. Less review that just rumination on my enjoyment of these albums. So get ready.

  

1. It was not easy watching the Cardinals be eliminated from the post season. But what is harder is knowing baseball season is nearly over.

2. It is nearly impossible for me to enjoy any cop shows anymore. There are a number of reasons but two are significant. The arc of the story throughout the run always rises and falls on the cop becoming  either a victim and/or the accused. Second, every bad guy is always a calm, cool sociopath. I blame Foyle’s War for my high standards.

3. Thursday night I saw Jason Isbell under Autumn stars with a train running behind the stage. It was a perfect scene in which to see the reincarnation of Townes.

4. Speaking of baseball, I got to play in a parents against kids game last night. I was surprised at the instincts I had after not playing first base in 20 years. I knew the footwork and instinctively where to go. You never forget. Also, I’m sore.

5. Kindness towards others is an unsung melody of Christian vocational ethics.

6. My son Knox is not a natural athlete. But he wanted to try baseball this Fall. I’m so thankful he ended up with the coach he did. His coach has never showed one moment of impatience with Knox and has never been anything but encouraging. What a gift.

7. I have never not wanted pizza.

8. Louis Armstrong on Vinyl.

9. I went from dreading work every day to looking forward to work every single day. It’s hard to live here. I had gotten so used to being in a dark place. The light is almost blinding.

10. Last Saturday my wife and I had lunch with Dee from The Wartburg Watch. This will be one of those meals I’ll never forget. She is truly a hero in the church today. And she’s unsung by the big name preachers and leaders. She makes nothing and works at it like a full-time job. She cares about the hurting the way pastors are supposed to. Which is why we need The Wartburg Watch. No one else seems to care.
(Photo: courtesy of the Tuscaloosa Amphitheater)

  
1. My wife found the best birthday present I think I’ve ever gotten. An early sixties Sears Silvertone Stero Phonograph Console. It’s beautiful and sounds incredible. And it was cheaper than the cheap record player I found on Amazon.

2. I’ve been reading a lot of Billy Collins at work. Best job ever.

3. I wish I liked the ballpark more than I do. But it’s so messed up. Some kindness is found there but there’s a seriousness about it I can’t get me head around.

4. Wendell Berry is best read slow.

5. When I was a youth pastor I told some of my students, “I don’t give a damn about bad language. Your faith is shown when you are kind to your siblings and the unpopular lonely kid.” Having that kid now, makes me glad I took the risk of saying that. Because middle school girls are mean.

6. I just listened to Clapton for the first time in years. His Robert Johnson album is vinyl worthy.

7. I love the leaves on the ground, even though I know I’ll labor to pick them up. The grandeur is worth the energy required.

8. The only Presidential candidate worth listening to on gun control is the one willing to go without the protection of them. If the powerful think they should have them but the ordinary citizen shouldn’t, we have crossed over into an elitism that says protection by guns is for only the important and powerful. I don’t like guns. I don’t own one. Don’t plan on it. But this kind of thinking is very illiberal and will only increase the kind of violence we all hate.

9. Last night I looked over at my wife in her St Louis Cardinals shirt and was filled with gratitude for her smarts.

10. One of the cool things about my job is that I get to talk to people who do what I did for 4 years. I was looking for kindness in a dark place that whole time. Now I get to…have to be kind to the ones I talk with all day long, knowing how hard the work is.

  
1. Rarely is any one person, institution, movement or group moving toward to doing less when they have the time and resources to do more and more. Instead, all move towards more because we think we can do it and therefore it must be done.

2. Our culture has uncritically accepted the reasonableness of loads of daily homework after our kids have been at school for 8 hours.

3. It’s October 1st and perfect Fall weather just like God intended.

4. John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman.

5. My 6 year old asked what a soul was the other day. I thought I was avoiding these questions by sending my kids to public school.

6. Don’t assume the worst of those you disagree with and are arguing with. Ask questions. Ask yourself the same questions. Grace insists on it.

7. It’s my birthday month, so if you need to see my wish list, let me know.

8. Our culture’s idea of safety at the expense of endangering others is a luxury.

9. I’m tired of not eating pizza.

10. Joy is often familiar. Even when the experience is new. It may feel like an echo of a long forgotten sliver of memory. Once escaped. Now slight in the remembering. Only a taste. A sound. So small. But within, a world that can usher in that longed-for ache you know you were created for.

1. I’ve been listening to podcasts that interview writers and poets. Two different writers this past week said something to the effect of, “Write what you want. Don’t follow the market. You will never have your own voice, if you do. You cannot be yourself if you do.” And then they both offhandedly said this is true for life itself. And then like thunder it dawned on me how I do this with my family. I want to be seen as normal and follow the market of the middle class american family and what it values. But there is a voice ringing out like bells at dawn.

2. I’m writing some of these while up very late with a very sick little boy on Saturday night/Sunday morning and I’m past the point where I like anything anymore.

3. Over the past six months during my run I’ve seen a woman thin considerably.

4. I just watched a documentary about Levon Helm and there’s this scene on the day he wins a Grammy and he sees his just-born granddaughter for the first time in a picture and the look on his face is something I’ll never forget.

5. I cannot help but think the American idolatry of busyness is why my kids have so much dad-gum homework after being at school for 8 hours.

6. David Ryan Adams’ cover of Taylor Swift’s 1989 is heartbreaking in the most wonderful way possible.

7. I’m not very good at my job yet. But I find myself looking forward to it and wanting to get better at it. This is really weird.

8. I’m blessed to have a wife I am glad to have during hard times. But I did not ask the question before we married. I did not ask, “Is this who I want to weather the storms with?” I asked “Is this who want to have good times with?” Not a bad question. But my advice is to ask the first question first. The second question is kinda a full gone conclusion.

9. Two hours ago I was not only writing cogently but with rhythm. Now? It’s 2 AM and I don’t understand the keyboard anymore.

10. I believe one day the Christians of the future will look back on our day and wonder at our enjoyment of football while knowing it was destroying the lives of players and their families.