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The Freedom To Be Wrong
It snowed on Christmas day here in Birmingham. And this was a big deal around here – snow on Christmas day. But it was a Saturday and church was the next day. Now in many parts of the world a little bit of snow is no big deal for driving. But in Jefferson County, Alabama we are nothing but hills and mountains with no great strategy for sanding/salting bridges. There are no snow plows. And the snow tends to melt and turn to ice overnight. So, yes, we do freak out about snow but with good reason. It’s rare occurrence is only part of the reason.
So we had a decision to make – do we cancel church on Sunday morning or not? We meet on the very absolute top of Red Mountain which someone would have to pull a trailer full of equipment up. And on top of that there are dozens of steps from the parking lot to the building. So we decided to not meet.
Was it a good decision? Before I answer that question, let me tell you what was going on in my mind and get to the point of the post. My great fear as the only pastor on staff was making a false step. And even though the leadership was united on not meeting, I felt very responsible. And here’s the thing – I was really worried about being wrong. I didn’t want to wake up on Sunday morning and see that everything was fine and travel was easy and that we called it off when everyone could have made it. To put it simply, I was afraid of being wrong.
Actually being wrong isn’t really the problem, is it? I did not want to be seen as being wrong. No one, including myself, gets all that worked up over being wrong when no one notices. We don’t like being wrong, when everyone…anyone notices.
We want to put on the show of doing everything well and right. So we don’t take risks, we seek consensus and ignore our convictions. And this extends far beyond the kind of decision we had to make the other night. Decisions about jobs, living accommodations, strategies – you name it and we will find this fear showing up either before the decision is made or after and oftentimes both.
It’s idolatry at it’s finest. We set up in front of people an image of having everything under control and being virtually mistake free and we ask them to marvel at our being ‘right’. And we marvel at ourselves to the point of doing all we can to protect the image. We excuse. We debate. We lash out. We finagle. We argue. We malign. Whatever it takes to safeguard our right-ness we will do. God forbid we are found to be wrong by ourselves. Especially if you are a pastor.
Christmas night I had only one recourse. Believe. Believe in that Baby we had been celebrating all day long. Believe that he had come not as an example alone of righteousness (right-ness) but as the One who would deal with all my wrongs – the One whose tiny cries in the night had dealt the death blow to my need to be right. He alone would be right and he would be right for me and all who looked into his straw-strewn nursery with hope. And not the kind of hope hocked by a world agog with uncertainty. But hope that strips us of all our reason to fear and replaces it with an audacious belief that frees us to be wrong.
In a word, it was OK to be wrong. And only the good news of that day had put me in a position to see it.
Turns out we made a good decision and one many other churches in less difficult places to get to made also. And while I was thankful to God we had made the right decision, I was far more thankful for the freedom to act and be wrong.
Diving Into Planet Narnia
Yesterday, I started reading Planet Narnia by Micahel Ward. Last night I was telling my wife how I was enjoying this book I had waited almost 2 months to begin. I could not put the pleasure into words and was not sure I wanted to. The happiness was almost maddening. But then my wife did. She said, “It’s the kind of book you want to literally dive into.”
Exactly.
I’ve entered chapter 3 where he discusses The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. So I started reading this first of the seven in Narniad. And by Jove I am seeing so much I had not seen before in my dozen or more previous readings and therefore enjoying it all the more.
Day One With Lewis
I’ve been waiting for this day for a couple of months. Normally the first day of the year is a fairly small event. A day off. But this year I begin my reading through a few dozen books by and about C.S. Lewis. Here is where I explain the rationale behind it all. The only thing I am changing is that I am not going to do a separate blog for it – at least not yet. It felt too big for someone like myself who is not a great time manager. Two blogs is a lot of writing and thinking and editing and well, blogging. Our church is in transition where I am the only pastor on staff. And I want to become a better teacher of theology for my ninth-graders.
What will change with this blog is the number of posts coming out of it. I assume there will be more posts and most likely on all seven days of the week…a Sabbatarian just got a twitch in his eye as a result of that last statement.
So today is Day One. Today I start reading Planet Narnia and begin my mentorship by C.S. Lewis through his life and writing.
Repost: Social Media Resolutions for the New Year
(I posted these last year at my old blog. Here they are again with some minor adjustments.)
I resolve to use Twitter and facebook to make fun of people and ridicule more, especially famous people who cannot even know I exist. It makes me feel special when people laugh at my 140-character wit at other people’s expense.
I resolve to practice my righteousness before men as much as possible on Twitter and facebook.
I resolve to retweet famous rock-star type pastors and look for good quotes that will be retweeted by people. It makes me feel good inside.
I resolve to use Twitter and facebook to make people feel guilty about their failures and sins and help them question their salvation.
I resolve to look down on those who do not use these social mediums and question the relevance of pastors who don’t especially.
I resolve to post all the awesome moments of familial bliss and not confess any frustrations so that you think I am an amazing parent and you have a lot to live up to.
Random Musical Thoughts
1. “The Bends”
2. I lost a lot of music when my hard drive crashed. Really upset about the Pavarotti I lost.
3. I can listen to Doris Day and Guns and Roses.
4. My wife gave me a Beatles shirt for Xmas. I like it so much, I’ve worn it for two days…
5. For over 20 years I’ve had the guitar riff of “Wildflower” by The Cult in my head.
6. Do you have any songs that “should not” emotionally move you but always do? Mine is “Sloop John B” by The Beach Boys. Pet Sounds man. Pet Sounds.
7. How long will it take for Derek Webb to drop the f-bomb in a song?
8. My favorite instrument is Van Morrison’s voice.
9. Jeff Buckley’s “Grace“
10. Glad we have a while till I have to hear “Santa, Baby” or “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”
The Wilderness of Not Knowing
Not knowing is a scary place. If it could be mapped, it would be plotted right in the middle nowhere. It would include wilderness and a ghost town…complete with ghosts. I am telling you it is scary place so that when you arrive, you will not be as scared as you would be if you had not known. And you will most likely get there if you have not already driven through its environs.
When I was younger, I knew a lot more than I do now that I am older. I spoke with a certainty and a confidence that betrayed arrogance more than wisdom and conceit more than belief. But now? My hair is leaving it’s natural habitat, what remains is going the way of gray and I can feel the weight of being in my fortieth year. There are those who are older (and cynical?) who will decry my melodrama and say, “Wait till you’re…” But I am getting old. I can feel it. I can feel this more in my soul than in my bones, but my bones would agree. And as I have grown older, I have realized how little I know. And what is strange is how at ease I am with that fact.
I am OK with not knowing.
“How do you feel Matt?” “I don’t know.”
“What do you think about _________?” “I’m not sure.”
Previously, I would have been scared to say as much. But I am not so scared anymore. I am OK with not knowing. My faith is intact. I have not rejected the gospel. But there are some things I am just not sure about anymore. This is not the time for me to detail them all. And they are not the issue anyway. What is the issue is that “not knowing” is a scary place to be…until you feel free to admit it.
Some people never have had to struggle with this. I don’t even understand those people. They are so free of people’s opinion they have always felt free to be ignorant on a particular thorny question. They say, “Well, I don’t know.” Then they move on and do their thing. Not me. I have always felt the pressure to answer. Not knowing was never an option.
But now it is. And the reasons are simple. Once you realize you can question the conventional wisdom and this does not mean you are tempting the fate of heresy you feel a little more free. But what got me out of the car while in the wilderness of not knowing was realizing I am not God. You already knew this about me. But it took me a little bit longer. But God is the only one who never says, “I dunno.” This is freedom itself. We – even apart from our sin problem – are those who will find ourselves in the land of not knowing. This is really good. Knowing we were created to not know everything is reason enough to step out of the car, draw in a deep breath and look for a place to take a load off.
Maybe even the load of knowing all the answers.
C.S. Lewis Reading List for 2011…So Far
I let y’all know about my plan to read and blog through works by and about C.S. Lewis in 2011 and be mentored by him via his life and writings. The following is the list of what I have on my shelf so far. Much I have read before but most will be entirely new to me. My goal is to read 50 books on or about C.S. Lewis. Ambitious? Yes. Thoroughly exciting? Definitely.
1. Planet Narnia by Michael Ward
9. Letters To An American Lady
13. The Four Loves
14. C.S. Lewis: Images Of His World by Gilbert and Kilby
15. Latin Letters Of C.S. Lewis
I plan on picking up the Space Trilogy, The World’s Last Night, God In the Dock, Pilgrim’s Regress and some others. But what am I missing out on?
Thoughts After Christmas
1. Hey, remember that year we got a White Christmas in Birmingham?
2. If you punish your kids for fighting over the Wii, you get to play more.
3. Speaking of the Wii, my body is sore all over.
4. A sure way to curb the day after Christmas blues is to get more snow.
5. Another way of curbing the Christmas blues is to have the Christmas get-together that was cancelled – due to snow on Christmas Day – a few days later.
6. I recommend reading Phantastes at Christmastime.
7. At one point on Christmas day I sat down on the couch with a cup of coffee, beside the tree, in front of the fireplace and I watched the snow fall outside. My kids were playing at my feet and I thought, “Norman Rockwell.”
8. So will Christmas day be kind of a let down if there is no snow next year?
9. I think this is the first time I have not seen my parents on Christmas day. And that was painful to just type.
10. My hard drive crashed on Christmas Eve Eve. Thankful for all things being made new.
Merry Christmas
Our house is chaos. Family is on their way. The turkey is on the smoker. A fire burns in the fireplace. My 4 year old is enraptured by the Wii. ‘Christmas Lights’ by Coldplay is playing in the background. Snow and ice are falling outside.
And our Rescuer has been born.
May you all have a Merry Christmas wherever you are and however you are.
Echoes and Stars 