(This is a follow-up to last week’s post on forgiveness.)

Sometimes when you lift the rocks lying with all their weight upon the dampened earth of your soul, unwanted creatures are found living there.  The light of day makes them scurry but just knowing they were there makes you want to jump out of your skin. Emotions which slither, scuttle when disturbed. The fresh air disturbs the moist, dank place which had been left alone for a rather long while. I almost always wait for all those nasty things to evacuate the premises and then I work to put the rock back just as it was, so I can walk away.

Often the rock is your stone-cold heart. And the cold is due to the need for forgiveness. You can feel the coldness in your hands. It’s heavy and cold. What’s sad is how good the coldness feels in your hands so hot with anger and vengeance.

The moment after I decided I wanted to take a step on the path of forgiveness, murderous thoughts sprang like up ninjas. Murderous ninjas. Seriously, here I am getting all holy and godly and wanting to forgive this jackass and then boom, I want him dead.

It’s only a little bit funny because it’s so normal. Of course no one talks about it. They are too busy talking on facebook about how they are praying for someone or quoting the most awesomest preacher ever.

Remember that scene in the first Lord of the Rings movie, when they are in the house of Elrond and Bilbo sees the Ring hanging around Frodo’s neck? I’m not sure if it’s in the book cause I haven’t read the book in a couple of years – the copy I have is huge and unwieldy. The pictures are awesome though. Anyway, Bilbo’s face contorts into some demonic form and he reaches wildly toward Frodo’s neck and the Ring. Just moments before he spoke to his nephew with tenderness and affection. And then this fierce evil takes over.

I just wish I could blame it all on some damned (literally) magical ring.

It’s this heart however, I’m stuck with. A heart, at once hoping for traction in forgiving someone and also looking to grease it’s own wheels with resentment. This is the truth – some of the time I want to forgive and move on but there’s a hell of a lot of time (literally) when I just want to put the rock back exactly as it was. I’ll replay all the old movies for catharsis, pausing for the bits where I am really, really wronged. You know how sometimes when you pick the rock up the ground moves and needs to be pushed against the edges so that cold hunk of matter will just stay put.

Maybe this is step number two.

First, you have to decide to forgive, knowing you are woefully incapable of doing it. So you ask for God’s help. He knows a little about forgiveness and so can be wildly helpful. But then after taking that step you realize you still have all this hate and a heart to match. So maybe you gotta just reckon with this dark reality as the next step – the evil that kept you from forgiving doesn’t just disappear when you step on the path of forgiving. Otherwise you start talking like Pollyanna and living out the Christian version of the Hallmark channel…which by the way looks an awful lot like the video section of the Christian bookstore. You know, framed needlepoint verses in pixels. And that would just be a step backwards.

1. My best friend of 32 years lives in Iowa and I still get it mixed up with Idaho. The state, not him. His name doesn’t sound anything like Idaho.

2. If I was going to join a cult, it might be the one called “People Who Want to Elect Ron Paul.”

3. My least favorite way to hear an article described is “thoughtful.” It says more about the person saying it than the actually article.

4. I love eating my Christmas presents.

5. Sometimes I weigh expected profit of putting kids on eBay vs. what DHR will do.

6. Spent a lot of good quality time with friends lately. No wonder I feel rich.

7. The King’s Speech is the best movie I saw last year. And it will most likely be the best movie I will see this year.

8. It is impossible to take seriously all the “the gospel is the only thing” talk from the celebrity pastors when they are consistently being controversial about things other than the gospel.

9. The most extreme position in modern American politics is thinking the belief that marriage should only be between a man and a woman is an extreme position

10. I didn’t do a random thought on bacon because I don’t want to be known as a one trick pony.

Everybody. Though it pains me to type it out, it’s true. True, like the heat of flames. True, like the missed warmth of friendship long gone.

Over the years I’ve wrestled awkwardly with resolutions, New Years and otherwise. Alternating between embracing them with passion and despising them with the same, I felt I must land somewhere and do so resolutely on the matter. I’ve tired of that. Now I just do whatever feels like needs to be done. And so I’ve made no resolutions lately.

I do not plan to alter this consistent course now. But I do need to do something this year with far more weight behind it. Actually, it may be out in front.

I need to forgive someone.

And yes, it is still all out in front of me, undone. But for the first time since the need arose, I want to pack up my emotional baggage and be off for that talked of land which I have heard so much of and yet never really seen.

My well-worn grudge has been harbored. And I’ve had no real desire to raise the anchor and set out. My claims have been staked and to budge has not been an option. But now, well, I’m of a decidedly different mind.

It was no small slight. This is not the stuff of hurt feelings. It was…is the kind of wound which leaves grooves upon the soul. It cannot kill but it can leave the interior tender.

I tell you this so you will realize why this is not merely a decision but a journey. Some will understand. You have grasped for the same words. And tugged at the hems of the same emotions.

Most talk of forgiveness is foolishness. As if we can forgive easier than God. God’s forgiveness came at the expense of his only Son. And was a plan of forgiveness stretching over thousands of years on into eternity. The forgiveness of a moment is fiction. It’s length begins with a moment but must be followed up by moments all the way to death oftentimes. Go figure.

I prefer the metaphor of steps. Each step in the direction towards the peaceful soul I’ve longed for and pine for still. I assume I’ll step toward mountains and into sloughs of despond aplenty. There’s something very Zen about steps. So simple, babies take them. They begin hard, they become easier.

He may never know of my forgiveness. And he certainly may not agree there is anything to forgive. I cannot imagine him asking. To tell him of my forgiveness would be a provocation without cause.

I’m not sure why it’s easier to begin along this path now, after no longer being a pastor. But it is, strikingly so. However, I’m afraid it will be hard. Hard like all the hardness in my heart towards him. Hard like granite layered upon steel encased in marble.

So I begin now, in the month named for Janus, the Roman God of gates and doors, beginnings and transitions. He is represented by two heads – one looking to the past and one to the future ahead. So I figure, now is as good a time as any to begin forgiving. God help us.

Not really resolutions. Goals? How about plans?

1. Read 100 books.

2. Learn my job so I can enjoy going into work.

3. Take my family to the beach.

4. Read more poetry.

5. Forgive.

6. Take my daughter on more dates.

7. Hold my book in my hands.

8. Hold my wife more.

9. Laugh.

10. Rest/Grow in grace.

1. When dieting I only eat the fruit-flavored jelly beans.

2. Most of my kid’s Christmas toys work.

3. When I try to picture Dolores Umbridge, my mind fills with the visage of Janet Napolitano.

4. Now that Christmas is over, the next day on the calendar which will be wielded to make you feel guilty about something…anything is MLK day. Then Valentines. Then Easter. Oh wait, I forgot New Years. Just watch. So terribly predictable.

5. The only thing I like about being sick is the reading while your laying around. And the bacon.

6. As soon as Christmas came the ornaments on our tree breathed a sigh of relief but could not help but feel sorry the toys knowing their future held little hope.

7. I knew I had lost my daughter when she chose to play with the Leapster over the iPad.

8. I don’t think the modern evangelical church knows how to disciple men and women in their day in and day out lives. All it knows is “quit what you are doing and be radical.”

9. If you can get drunk on queso and salsa, tonight I’m getting plastered.

10. Spent $70 worth of iTunes gift cards on a digital Springsteen box set. Part of one of the videos didn’t work. Just part of one. Apple is crediting my account for that $70 plus tax. And all I asked for was a way to fix it. That is customer service.

I wasn’t really sure which books to list today. If I were to list the best books I’ve read this year, most of them would be books I read last year also – Pride and Prejudice, Witness by Whittaker Chambers, Count of Monte Cristo, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. I’ve read them all before. Some numerous times.

So I decided to just list the best books I read for the first time. Remember this is the best of my 2011 and not the best books of 2011. Though many try, that would be an impossible list according to logic.

So, below are my ten favorite books I read for the first time in 2011. In no particular order.

1. The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton. Merton’s memoir of his journey to becoming a monk is one the most well-written and memorable stories I’ve ever encountered. The fact that he is not always very likable and he is the one telling the story make it all the more enjoyable.

2. The Gardner Heist: The True Story of the World’s Largest Unsolved Art Theft by Ulrich Boser. Oh man, I loved this book. Couldn’t put it down. But I’m addicted to books about art theft.

3. Winter Light: a Christian’s search for humility by Bruce Ray Smith. The first release by my publisher has been shooting through my mind and heart like stars in the winter night ever since I began. Though I read this for the first time this year, I’ve now gone through it 3 times. Part Brother Lawrence and part casual poetry.

4. Planet Narnia: The Seven Heavens in the Imagination of C. S. Lewis by Michael Ward. Imagine reading a book unlocking the code to help you understand your favorite childhood books…

5. Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption by Laura Hillenbrand. This was a hard read for me. But I couldn’t put it down. It made me ashamed of all the character traits I saw and admired but lacked.

6. Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs. The only book since Dracula to make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Hard to stop reading even when you know you have to sleep and get up for work in the morning. Can’t wait for the second one.

7. The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America by Erik Larson. I can’t stop think about this story of the architectural renaissance of Chicago, the 1893 World’s Fair and a serial killer. A crazy story that would be unbelievable if it were not true.

8. Lit by Mary Karr. I’ve always thought poets were the best writers and Karr is no exception. I got so enthralled in this memoir I began to take it everywhere I went. Gritty. Raw. And absolutely beautiful.

9. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare. i may be cheating on this one. I don’t remember ever reading it but I might have when much younger. Regardless, it isn’t till you actually read the story that you realize that neither Romeo or Juliet are heroic in any fashion. They are teenage fools with nothing to really admire about them. I always thought they were to be applauded. They are to be heeded.

10. Phantastes by George MacDonald. I’m not even sure what the book was about but I cannot stop thinking about it. And it has been almost a year since I read the thing. It gave me weird dreams but I’m still enraptured by the scenes. A book liberally full of wonder that left me wanting more.

1. Last night I enjoyed one of my favorite Christmas traditions, watching a Christmas movie while my wife wraps presents.

2. OK, who is gonna buy me the new live Taylor Swift CD/DVD for Christmas?

3. I’m waiting for a blog post letting us know if you don’t go to church on Christmas you don’t understand Christmas. Just wait, it’s coming to a Facebook feed near you.

4. You know, all Rosemary Clooney had to do was ask Bing Crosby if they were going to televise the show at the inn in Vermont. But then we wouldn’t have gotten to hear her sing that song.

5. Sometimes when I’m sad I think of all the happy memories I have of bacon and the future we have together.

6. Ummm, we have coat hangers on our Christmas tree and they’re still shaped like coat hangers.

7. I like White Christmas but I think my favorite Christmas movie is The Bourne Ultimatum.

8. While you’re worried about Christ being taken out of Christmas, The Bare Naked Ladies are singing “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” on the radio.

9. I’ve given up on a White Christmas and now I’m holding out for an iTunes Christmas.

10. The baby we celebrate this season grew up to make the best wine ever for a wedding party. I’m sure he would not mind our extravagant Christmas festivities. So relax a little. And enjoy it for a change all ye evangelicals.

No forty-year old man enjoys getting gifts as much as I do. Birthdays and Christmas are awesome for a guy like me. But some gifts are just too big to put under the tree. I already have been given them anyway.

1. My Wife. Not only does she put up with me but she seems to enjoy it for the most part. She continues in beauty and I cannot imagine life without her. Actually she might fit under the tree.

2. The Kids. Each one so different and full of so many reasons for joy. I could have never known the love I’d have for them. They also may fit under the tree but we have set up a perimeter around the tree for the protection of remaining ornaments.

3. Our House. It’s like a modern mountain chateau. And though it’s technically our neighbor’s/friend’s, I cannot imagine living in a house I’d like more. We rent a work of art.

4. The Night Sky. I’m clueless when it comes to constellations but a clear night sky is a gift beyond imagination. If we never had it and then was just given to us out of the blue, we would weep with wonder.

5. Friends. We have so many it’s ridiculous. We don’t deserve them. Maybe my wife does. And they are incredible. They have prayed for us and supported us. They make us laugh and they make us teary-eyed with their kindness.

6. All the Music. A man who has the ability to listen to Louis Armstrong play his trumpet, settle into Springsteen’s “Darkness”, breathe in Dylan’s “Freewheelin”, and revel in Van Morrison’s “Astral Weeks” cannot want for much.

7. Memories. We never think of it till we are old. But all these remembrances and the very ability to recall them because one of our senses has been sounded is a wealth beyond measure given.

8. All the Books. Who would I be without them? They have been constant companions and are my final destination each and every day.

9. My Hometown. We have been back in Birmingham for over 2 years now. Almost seems as if we have never left. I love this place. I love the mountain we live on the valleys we pass through. The people. The restaurants. The roads. It’s all home.

10. Family. We live close to all of our immediate family. Most married couples do not get to enjoy this. We didn’t for a decade. But now we are geographically close to everyone and growing closer to all of them.

1. Gonna take a couple of days off this weekend. Probably Saturday and Sunday.

2. Word on the street is Tebow will be standing in for Chuck Norris in the last 5 minutes of his next film.

3. Thanks to everyone for the kind words regarding my article being published over on CT. There are now autographed commemorative copies available but if you wait for the Groupon, they will be free.

4. Who gives a rip about the Muffin Man? It’s the bacon man we love.

5. When work is slow, I feel like an expert.

6. My head tells me the wrapped cylindrical object under the tree is Summer Sausage but my heart says rocket launcher.

7. I’d spend more time with the iPad but geez, I have to sleep.

8. Do you know how hard it is to find LOTR pajamas? In my size?

9. Did I tell you about the time I was playing Free Cell on my iPad and there was no 6 of diamonds? I did a screen capture in case you did not believe me.

10. It’s possible that impoverished people the world over get to this time of year and think, “I feel sorry for those poor souls over in America who, for a whole month, are being subjected to George Michael’s ‘Last Christmas’ over and over and over again.”